Oct 17, 2008

Market research firm NPD announced this week that the iPhone 3G has become the best-selling smart phone in the United States, and the second-best-selling cell phone. Apple's latest ads are touting all the wonderful features you can download to the iPhone at their App Store, and highlighting its ease of use. Given time, it seems there will be little that the iPhone cannot do.

New Things the iPhone Will Soon Be Able to Do

—Pal around with terrorists. (Mike)

—Tell the difference between butter and "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter." (Joe)

—"Three-way" calling. You know what I'm talking about. (Jameson)

—Say, "Whoa there, fat boy" as you open up another bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. (Mike)

—Got a mortal enemy? Not any more, you don't. (Brandon)

—Find you a decent man who isn't married or gay. Am I right, ladies? (Joe)

—iBlowjobs. (Mike)

—Unused minutes can be used to travel back in time. (Jameson)

—Grow a kick-ass mustache. (Brandon)

—Explain the ending of No Country for Old Men. (Mike)

—Un-break my heart. (Joe)

—Administer a subtle electric shock to anyone who does an Austin Powers impression during a phone call. (Jameson)

—Lure hobos into your basement. (Brandon)

—Your mom. (Joe)

—Talk during a movie, leaving you free to do something less obnoxious, like operate a jackhammer. (Jameson)

—Make gravy. (Mike)

—Convert the voice of whomever you are speaking with into that of late 80s rap sensation, Tone Lōc. (Brandon)

—Not only download stock prices, but automatically sell itself on eBay once your portfolio bottoms out. (Jameson)

—Become sentient and decide that, for the good of the planet, mankind must be destroyed. (Joe)

—Take your landline phone out back and put a bullet in its head. (Brandon)

—Dude, the iPhone doesn't have to do anything – just owning one makes you an awesome individual who everyone wants to be friends with. Am I right, or did I just waste $300? (Jameson)

Baron von Contributors: Brandon Kruse, Joe Mulder, Jameson Simmons, Mike Wagner

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