Why would anybody even watch the Oscars anymore? I mean, really?
Well, you'd certainly want to watch them if you had a stake in the PoopReading.com Movie Draft, wherein we here at PoopReading.com draft the 20 nominated performers, fantasy football-style, and then make up fake movies based on the casts we've assembled.
Last year we conducted our draft via live chat; it went so well (read: most of us got so drunk) that we decided to do it that way again. We started with a the list of the 20 actors and actresses nominated by the Academy this year:
Robert De Niro
Philip Seymour Hoffman
Tommy Lee Jones
And then we allowed ourselves to choose movie titles from a list of 20 culled from offbeat suggestions found in the board game "Balderdash":
Beginning of the Night
Eat & Run
The Flying Camel
The Last of Mrs. Cheyney
One Wild Night
Over the Brooklyn Bridge
The Secret Face
They Won't Believe Me
We Don't Want To Talk About It
What Happened Was...
How would it unfold this year? Would we continue to make tasteless jokes about two-time Oscar nominee Jacki Weaver? Would we once again draft all the black people last, despite the inherent white guilt of the 80% of our team who identify as staunch Democrats? Would former Los Angeles Laker Kurt Rambis, against all odds, figure prominently in the proceedings? Read our chat transcript to find out, and then tune in next week to read the plots of the movies that spring from this unholy endeavor...
TENESSA: Is this thing on?
JOE: If by "thing" you mean "penis," and by "on" you mean "out"...
TENESSA: Yes? YES?
JOE: Then no.
TENESSA: Aw, crap.
MIKE: Is everyone rock hard?
BRANDON: I am now!
TENESSA: I usually take Ambien at this time on a Sunday night. I don't think it will affect the draft.
BRANDON: The fact that I'm still trying to figure out who some of these people are might also affect the draft. Also, has Denzel Washington ever done anything that would be considered a comedy?
TENESSA: A comedy where he has a grudge against the government and has to save his daughter?
BRANDON: Are you saying that happened in real life?
JOE: Oh my. OOOOOH my. "Has Denzel ever done anything that would be considered a comedy," indeed... http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099750/
TENESSA: Holy shit.
BRANDON: He swore off them FOREVER after that.
TENESSA: So did I.
JAMESON: Hey guys, sorry I'm late, but I had to print a list of names and titles. I have done zero prep but I figured it'd be good to at least have those within reach. Anyway, exhaustive prep has gotten me exactly nowhere in the past, so I'm trying a new approach.
BRANDON: My approach is to let this squirrel I trapped in our yard draft for me. His name is James Squirrel Jones.
JAMESON: Haha! Pony Shalhoub.
JOE: OK. New rule. Every draft pick must be made Zooperstar-style. Robird De Niro, etc.
JOE: Or Tommy Eel Jones. Quvenzhane Walrus.
JAMESON: I'm taking Philip Seymour Hoffmanatee because I can't think up a good Zooperstar for Amy Adams. Do I get bonus points if he looks exactly like the animal?
BRANDON: Well, was not expecting that.
JOE: Nor was I. Draft mind officially blown!
JAMESON: That's what zero prep will get you! Hopefully she'll still be around at pick 10. If not, I love you Amy! Forgive me! Kind of hard to imagine making a movie without her.
MIKE: [Knock knock] Hello? Oh wow, it's Amy Adams and she wants to give the first person who drafts her a blow job? Wow. Well, we'll just have to see. I can tell you that Jameson wants no part of you.
BRANDON: I considered Bradley Cooper, but he doesn't really lend himself to any good ideas. So I'm going to hitch my star to Henzel Washington and see where that leads me.
JAMESON: I just Wikipedia'ed Henzel to see what kind of animal that is. I was thinking "Either a henzel is some kind of rodent I have never heard of, or he forgot about the Zooperstars and just typo'd Denzel". Now I feel like a dope.
BRANDON: You just got Henzeled!
TENESSA: I'm taking Tommy Eel Jones. BOOM!
BRANDON: What about Tommy Flea Jones?
JOE: I like it.
JAMESON: Nobody take Camalan Arkin, because that's the closest I can get to a camel and I need one for The Flying Camel, which is about a family of meerkats.
MIKE: I'm taking Daniel Manta Ray-Lewis. (Zooperstar/Super Bowl murderer!)
JAMESON: Daniel Day-Lewis is by far the best actor available, but I wouldn't want to work with him, so I couldn't pick him.
MIKE: How could you not want to work with him?
JOE: He's all method-y. He'd get method all over you.
JAMESON: I heard he's a tool.
MIKE: And all other actors are totes awsome.
JAMESON: Haha, touche.
JOE: Ironically enough, you know who I've heard is not a method actor in the slightest? Method Man.
JOE: OK... she was in my favorite PoopReading Oscar Draft movie I've ever done, so it seems like I'd be crazy if I didn't pick Anne Hathasnake.
JAMESON: And then?
JOE: I hadn't thought that far ahead. Since I have consecutive picks, it seems as though I probably should have.
MIKE: I think she is this generation's Tom Hanks. Silly beginnings, is never bad in anything, starting to win awards mid-career in unforeseen turns.
JAMESON: Salient analysis Mike. Overrruled.
JOE: All right. I might be painting myself into a bit of a corner with this pick, but it'll be one of the sexiest, most talented corners ever. I hereby select: St. Bernardley Cooper.
JAMESON: Bradley Cooper and Anne Hathaway? What a corner to be painted into! But please tell me Hathaway and Cooper will be remaking the shed scene from Wet Hot American Summer, with Hathaway dressed as Michael Ian Black. Like, makeup so good people can't tell it isn't him.
[By this point, internet connectivity issues have caused Tenessa to get booted from the chat several times.]
BRANDON: Let's recap for Tenessa, please.
JOE: Jameson: PSH. Brandon: Denzel. You: TLJ. Mike: DDL. Joe: Hathaway and Cooper.
BRANDON: It sounds like we all have medical conditions.
JOE: And you've hired the firm of Hathaway and Cooper to sue the drug company responsible.
MIKE: Oh Lord. I am so torn! I think that I have some good Zooper puns, but instead I am going to go for Robert DeNiro and just film a documentary method-off. So, Robin DeNiro.
TENESSA: Okay, I think I'm still here, AND it's my turn. Is that true?
BRANDON: Yes, but it's now Thursday.
TENESSA: It's like someone invited Grandma to use the internet.
BRANDON: Was the "I'm still here" line a clue that you are drafting Joaquin Phoenix?
JOE: Joaquin Phoenix even comes pre-Zooperstarred!
TENESSA: No. If you assholes are going to leave Amy Adams lying around until pick 8, you can go fuck yourselves.
JAMESON: Nononononono. This isn't happening. No.
JOE: It was bound to happen. Sorry. The good news is she didn't phrase her pick in the form of a Zooperstar, so it doesn't count. I mean it COUNTS, technically, but...
JAMESON: You can't pick her without an attendant zooperstar! [Sobbing]
TENESSA: Amy Bat-ams. There.
MIKE: So Jameson set Amy Adams free, but she didn't return, so I guess it wasn't meant to be.
JAMESON: But now I'm imagining her in a Batgirl costume and my erection just broke the battery in my laptop.
BRANDON: Have you ever even done an Oscar Draft without Amy Adams?
JAMESON: I have not. [More sobbing] I mean, I have but only when she wasn't even nominated. (Thanks a lot, ACADEMY!)
BRANDON: Oh fuck, is it my turn now?
BRANDON: Alan Aardvarkin. Suck on THAT, world!
JOE: Alan Aardvarkin. Hard to top that...
BRANDON: I'm trapping Denzel and Arkin in a refrigerator in The Refrigerator.
JAMESON: Is the fridge strapped to a runaway train that's headed toward a small town full of poor kids?
BRANDON: It is now!
JAMESON: Because I'm totally not planning to use that plot for Lucky Night or anything...
BRANDON: Lucky Night is Phillip Seymour Hoffman eating at Chipotle and not shitting himself. YOU'RE WELCOME.
JAMESON: But how would we possibly film that? Trick photography?
TENESSA: That's clinically impossible.
BRANDON: Who said anything about filming?
JAMESON: OK, I'm picking Jessica Catstain just to do the joke where I say I'm dressing her up like Amy Adams to make myself feel better. Hope she's good in my movie, too! #zeroprep
MIKE: It puts the Amy Adams mask in the basket.
JOE: Either way, Chastain or Adams, you pair them with Hoffman and you've got the ginger market cornered.
TENESSA: That's the only reason I picked Adams. To distribute the ginger fairly.
MIKE: I bet Jessica Chastain doesn't have any trouble with the curve.
BRANDON: The learning curve?
JAMESON: Haha, Brandon you're so innocent. Mike is talking about the 74% curve in his erect penis.
MIKE: Since the kids, it's down to 67%.
TENESSA: You still have a penis?!
BRANDON: Mine makes a trapezoid. I just ram my trapezoid against stuff until it turns into a rhombus.
MIKE: Name something my grandfather yelled during sex!
JOE: I just ram mine into stuff until it turns into Kurt Rambis.
MIKE: I sat behind him on a plane once, his fingers are akimbo.
JOE: Fingers Akimbo; I think he played with Rambis for a couple of seasons in Charlotte. They found him in Zaire, if I recall.
JAMESON: Sorry for the delay, trying to figure out who pairs best with Quvenzhane Walrus, because I know you racists will leave her 'til last. I really want Naomink Watts, but that would leave me with three girls and that seems restrictive, so I'm taking Hugh Jackalman.
TENESSA: Zooper job!
JAMESON: Which is not to say I'm disappointed in him, but I wanted her more. This snake-style draft really bites you in the ass.
JOE: I was surprised Jameson didn't take Denzel #1; he's kind of the "U" to Walrus's "Q" in this little Scrabble game of ours...
TENESSA: That raises an interesting predicament: How do we explain Denzel's early drafting to our readers?
JOE: Heh. "Readers."
MIKE: You mean, how do we explain him to Dan?
TENESSA: AND Christi, maybe. Maybe.
MIKE: Certainly not Rachelle. Though I do read her the Baron von Funny each week.
JAMESON: At her bedside? Like a stroke victim?
BRANDON: Do you read it to her while making love?
JAMESON: Making love in the style of a stroke victim?
BRANDON: That's Wagner-style.
JOE: It's like Gangnam Style, only slightly less Korean. Surprisingly slightly less, though.
MIKE: Yes, I make love while drooling and not using the right side of my body.
BRANDON: Isn't that what you're supposed to do?
BRANDON: I've got my pick, but the Zooperstar part is holding me up.
MIKE: Just say Jackal Weaver.
JOE: Jacki Beaver.
TENESSA: It's Jacki BEAVER. Fucking A, Mike!
JOE: Great minds...
JAMESON: It's like when they really want to cast someone on Breaking Bad but their name doesn't have any symbols from the periodic table in it.
BRANDON: EXACTLY. Well, continuing my plan of having no plan, I guess I'll take Heron Hunt (not especially thrilled with that name), because I used to have a huge crush on her. I may still. I just never see her in anything anymore.
JAMESON: You can see all of her in this year's movie. She holds up surprisingly well. But the correct animal was Helen Cunt. Sorry.
TENESSA: We're all sorry.
BRANDON: Yeah, I almost went there. Don't make me go there! Don't make me– [Kills self]
BRANDON: I love you for that. That just gave me a battery-destroying boner.
JOE: Brandon, we just call that a "Rambis."
JAMESON: A Rambis Rhombus, to be specific to Brandon's case.
TENESSA: Who's going to get picked third-to-last? I mean, we know Q-Wal and J-Beav. French woman?
MIKE: Yeah, Frenchy probably.
JOE: "Old" and "French" and "lady" is kind of enough to be a minority...
TENESSA: Fuck. I don't want any of those people.
JAMESON: I WILL TRADE YOU FOR AMY ADAMS.
TENESSA: Oh, Jameson. You threw her away. LIKE GARBAGE. You're getting what you deserve.
MIKE: Is Jonah Hill sitting there telling you that Anne Hathaway would be good value for Adams?
JOE: Yeah, but it's skinny Jonah Hill so nobody believes him.
JAMESON: He keeps telling me to look more closely at Kurt Rambis's OPS+
BRANDON: Ooh, wrong sport. Tough break, kid. BURN?
JAMESON: What??? It's always either baseball or equestrian with you guys.
BRANDON: I'm only interested in equestrian for the cocks.
JOE: Brandon, you're thinking of cockfighting. Wrong sport, tough break, etc.
BRANDON: Uh, I think I know where I can go to see horse cocks, Joe.
JAMESON: RIGHT HERE BABY. Because I have a collection of them pickled in jars.
TENESSA: I'm going with Joaquin Ferret. (Would have been lazy to stick with Phoenix.)
JOE: Joaquin Phoenix and Tommy Lee Jones; is your movie just going to be called Laugh Riot?
TENESSA: Yes, Joe. YES, IT IS.
MIKE: Do I have the weirdest Three Amigos reboot with The Suitors and take Christoph Waltz? Or do I pick a lady? Yeah, I think I pick Giraffer Lawrence.
JOE: Dang. I wanted Jennifer Lawrence.
JAMESON: Don't we all.
TENESSA: She was born in 1990.
MIKE: So were my students.
BRANDON: So was my Venezuelan penis transplant.
JOE: Nay-crow-mi Watts. That's my next pick...
JAMESON: Yikes, Chrisgopher Waltz is going kind of low this year. Actually, I'm just trying to predict who Joe'll pick and cockblock him on the easy Z'stars so he has to start over... :)
BRANDON: If I hadn't used Waltz two years ago, I'd have gone after him harder.
JAMESON: Remaining are Sally Field, Emmanuelle Riva, Christoph Waltz, and Jacki Weaver. Plus my girl. Quetzalcoatl Williams or whatever. The tennis phenom.
MIKE: She won the Inca open.
JOE: I will take Christork Waltz. Mulder out. Well, not OUT out; just until the titles.
JAMESON: Classy. Smooth and mellow.
MIKE: How did you know I just drank my own urine?
TENESSA: Because it's Sunday night. That's YOUR Ambien.
BRANDON: Yep, nothing says Sunday night in the Wagner house like drinking some urine and having some stroke sex.
JAMESON: With Mannheim Steamroller cranked up full blast.
BRANDON: And Camryn Manheim watching.
TENESSA: Speaking of stroke sex, I just realized I can make Amy Adams have some with Tommy Lee Jones–JUST TO HURT JAMESON.
MIKE: Ok, I can't decide if I want to go Frenchy is Giraffer's grandma or That's so Ravenzhane is the hard knock lifer that social worker Giraffer recognizes as a genius and enlists Daddy Robin to find the reclusive Manta Ray-Lewis... or if I take Salamander Fieldmouse.
BRANDON: Was that English, Mike?
TENESSA: I think Mike just picked everyone.
JAMESON: Oh fuck Mike, please don't take the black girl.
MIKE: I can't decide!
JAMESON: I don't want to be stuck with Jacki Weaver.
TENESSA: Poor Jacki.
MIKE: Is he reverse psychologying me?
BRANDON: The draft is folding in on itself!
MIKE: I need someone who has actually heard Jameson's voice to make a ruling.
TENESSA: I've only heard his voice panting heavily on my voicemail, so I'm not a good judge.
BRANDON: Jameson's voice sounds like Barry White.
JOE: You spelled "Betty" wrong.
MIKE: In that case, I take Ravenzhane Walrus.
JAMESON: Wow, Mike. I went from having no plan to having a plan, and now. No plan again! I actually wanted her more than Amy Adams by the end there. (Everyone burn your transcript of this.)
TENESSA: I almost took Sally Fieldmouse last round, so I can't believe my luck. You fuckers are OVER.
BRANDON: If I get stuck with the old lady, can I just do The Secret Face and have her never appear in my movie?
JAMESON: I think Brandon and I should just end this with a murder-suicide pact. Both of our options are miserable.
BRANDON: So who is left?
JOE: Old Frenchy and Not Quite As Old Australia-y.
MIKE: And Paul Ryan
JAMESON: No, he's pretty far right.
MIKE: Did the commissioner make that joke because I am booing!
JOE: "I was saying Boo-manuelle Riva..."
BRANDON: Fuck it; I can't mess with tradition. I'll take Emmanuelk Riva, and leave it to Beaver for last.
JAMESON: Fuck it, indeed. Jacki Beaver is mine. Who picks first in titles?
JOE: You. Sorry, I know you've got Jackman and Weaver, but Oh, Those Aussies! isn't on the title list this year.
MIKE: I have five titles that work for my idea. That's how bland it is!
JAMESON: My idea is a guy who has five bland ideas!
BRANDON: I wish I had five bland ideas.
JAMESON: I wish I had a Jacki Weaver-murdering robot.
JAMESON: Since the one thing I can't do is a zany comedy I really want to pick One Wild Night and just shoot myself in the face.
BRANDON: I'd watch that!
JAMESON: But I won't! Not an official pick! No Zooperstar format! Okay, I admit I have not read all the titles, but I will take Glitch because it seems versatile. If I make a movie about Y2K, you know I gave up. (70% chance I make a movie about Y2K.)
BRANDON: Fuck my fuck. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'll take They Won't Bee-Lieve Me.
TENESSA: I'm taking The Last of Mrs. Cheyney. I can't believe you guys just let me have whatever I wanted in this draft. That's so sweet.
JAMESON: I will allow you to change the spelling to Cheney if you want. We let Mike do that once.
BRANDON: We've all let Mike do something once.
TENESSA: No, I want to put as much distance as possible between Amy Adams and Dick Cheney.
BRANDON: That's what she said?
MIKE: Who has the pick?
JOE: The answer, as always: the person who asks that question.
MIKE: Oh! I will take Over the Brooklynx Bridge.
JAMESON: Getting Lucky is still available, Joe!
BRANDON: The title, or with you?
JOE: If I had ANY inkling what kind of movie I might want to do...
MIKE: Then pick What Happened Was... or Velvet.
BRANDON: Take Eat & Run because then you've got two of your characters covered.
JAMESON: That's why you take something nice and generic like The Flying Camel. You can go in any direction with that!
MIKE: I was close; I was gonna have Ravenshane Walrus draw flying camels as street art, and then Lawrence takes her to Day-Lewis, a mystical art historian, to interpret.
JAMESON: Maybe it's a Sopwith Camel. Or maybe a filtered cigarette. Or maybe a Muslim guy named Cam'el. Or maybe a close-up of Jackie Weaver in yoga pants.
MIKE: Game. Set. Full Weaver.
JOE: I hereby take The Flying Camel. I can't not, after that.
JAMESON: Reverse psychology'd!
JOE: I was leaning that way. Pre-Zooperstarred, after all. It'll probably be the name of a bar. Or a sex position.
MIKE: Or a sex position on a bar!
JAMESON: Or a sex potion in a barn!
TENESSA: Or a circus performer!
BRANDON: Or the name of a bar!
JOE: NOW... onto procrastinating over our movie treatments until the absolute last minute!
JAMESON: And beyond!