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Jun 12, 2009

With Apologies to the Palins

by Brandon Kruse

If you've been following the news or watching The Late Show with David Letterman this week, you are no doubt aware of the recent dust-up between Letterman and Alaska Governor Sarah Palin over jokes made by the host about Palin's daughter Bristol, and the idea that the actual target of those jokes was Palin's 14-year-old daughter Willow.

As people who publish a weekly series of jokes in the form of the Baron von Funny, this incident quickly grabbed our attention. We too have been guilty of making jokes about the Palins, and while they have yet to come after us, it can only be a matter of time before they do. So in order to stave off any potential controversies before they even start, we would like to issue the following preemptive apologies:

Back in October 2008, we published a Baron von Funny topic entitled "Other Signs That the Gloves Are Off in the 2008 Presidential Campaign." In this entry was the following joke:

—Todd Palin and Jill Biden start a torrid affair that ends in heartbreak for one and murder for the other.

PoopReading.com would like to apologize for suggesting that Todd Palin would ever engage in any kind of extra-marital affair, let alone one with a known Democrat. That sort of perversion is clearly a sign that we are out of touch with what real Americans think and feel, and laughter incited by comments made by a bunch of white male non-celebrities in their 30s about a well-known 44-year-old man is, frankly, disgusting. Likewise, we would like to apologize for suggesting that Mr. Palin killed, was killed, or killed then killed himself. It is not our place to assess the mortality of Alaska's First Dude, nor should we speculate about the timing or nature of his ultimate demise (if, again, said demise is even possible).

Within that same Baron von Funny entry, we made the following joke:

—Palin now taking to hunting Obama supporters from a helicopter.

PoopReading.com would like to apologize to Sarah Palin for giving the impression that, at any point in her life, she has dared to hunt The Most Dangerous Game. We would also like to apologize to Richard Connell, author of "The Most Dangerous Game" (also known as "The Hounds of Zaroff"), for any resemblance to the thematic elements of his most famous work, and for any damage we may have done to the integrity of a short story about man hunting man. And we would be remiss if we did not also apologize to helicopters and their noble tradition of accomplishing tasks that fixed-wing aircraft cannot, and those who hunt from helicopters, for they are doing the Lord's work.

Also in that entry was this joke:

—Obama has started referring to the McCain/Palin ticket as "The Old Man and the 'C'."

PoopReading.com would like to apologize to Mrs. Palin for referring to her as a cunt. Even in abbreviatory form, the use of that word is no doubt a pathetic commentary from good ole Baron von Funny. We would also like to apologize to cunts, who have a long and proud history, whether in literal or figurative form. Apologies are also due to Senator John McCain, who, while 72 and male, clearly deserves better than to be referred to as an "old man." And any apology would be empty if it did not also include Mr. Ernest Hemingway, whose work we corrupted, and who almost certainly never referred to any woman or vagina in such a dismissive, mysogynistic manner.

Later, in November 2008, we ran another Baron von Funny entry entitled "Surprising Moments from the 2008 Election That May Not Have Actually Happened." In this entry was the following joke:

—Todd Palin's controversial decision to shave his goatee into a Hitler mustache for Halloween.

PoopReading.com would again like to apologize to Mr. Palin. Any "jokes" about him somehow being responsible for the deaths of thousands of Jews during the 1940s, a time when he was not even yet born, are despicable. While we're on the subject, we would also like to apologize to goatee wearers everywhere, who almost certainly had no idea their facial hair could be transformed into a Hitler mustache, and have no doubt suffered endless mental anguish since. We should also apologize to Hitler for suggesting that his mustache was somehow undesirable, rather than something that all men, women and babies should wear with pride. We would also like to apologize for retroactively ruining Halloween 2008.

In that same Baron von Funny entry, we made the following joke:

—John McCain selects Sarah Palin as his running mate, after being rejected by his first choice: the golden retriever from Air Bud.

PoopReading.com would like to further apologize to Governor Palin for suggesting that she was somehow not John McCain's first choice for a running mate, and that her political acumen and voter appeal is somehow less than that of a canine, even one that can dunk a basketball. We would also like to apologize to golden retrievers, whether or not they can dunk a basketball, and to the makers of the Air Bud film franchise, for any negative insinuations we may have made about their product, which we believe should be mandatory viewing in all public schools.

Also in that entry was this joke:

—During a campaign rally, Sarah Palin shoots and kills a high school football player whose nickname is "Moose."

PoopReading.com would yet again like to apologize to everyone's favorite hockey mom for insinuating that she does not know the difference between a teenager and a large, antlered woodland creature, and that she would mistakenly shoot the former and not the latter. We would also like to apologize to high school football players nicknamed "Moose," who have undoubtedly suffered enough already, and to actual moose, who, as is our understanding, keep Canada safe from terrorists.

Finally, just last week, in June 2009, we published another Baron von Funny entry entitled "Less Prestigious 300 Clubs." In this entry was the following joke:

—Number of crippling campaign gaffes (Sarah Palin, charter member).

PoopReading.com would like to apologize to one last time to Caribou Barbie for suggesting that she was somehow responsible for the failure of the 2008 Presidential candidacy of John McCain. Only an irresponsible purveyor of cultural elitism and media commentary where facts don't matter anymore would intimate that her lack of knowledge, experience, or tact on the campaign trail somehow hurt her party's chances with the electorate.

Finally, we would like to apologize for any suggestion, through words we may or may not have written, that we would like to have sex with Willow Palin, that others might like to have sex with Willow Palin, or that sex with Willow Palin is even theoretically possible in this physical or temporal existence. We have been advised by our attorneys to add this apology to all future original content on this website.

The Palins are performing a valuable service to comedians everywhere. With their guidance, we can one day eliminate the unfortunate, hurtful hate speech that occurs when people disingenuously distort the intent of a joke to further their own personal agenda. What a glorious day that will be.

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