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Dec 8, 2008

The Painty & Bucket Show

by Brandon Kruse

INTRO: Live, from the garage, it's The Painty & Bucket Show! And now, America's two favorite inanimate objects, Painty & Bucket!!

A paint brush and a bucket sit on a TV soundstage made up like a garage. All dialogue is voiced over.

BUCKET: I'm warning you, Painty! You keep your filth out of me!

PAINTY: Aw come on, Bucket! I gotta clean up, I been painting a house all day! I got four layers of blue latex on me!

BUCKET: Yeah, and I got your stains all over the inside of me.

PAINTY: Whoa, sounds like my ex-girlfriend!

Lights out. We hear booing. Cut to a group of protesters holding signs outside of a TV studio.

PRO 1: Painty & Bucket are evil! They're ruining America!

PRO 2: I don't want that kind of filth on my TV! That's why I watch it every week, so I know what kind of filth is on my TV!

PRO 3: They gave me tuberculosis!

A Network Executive appears.

EXEC: People, people. I'm here to assure you that steps have been taken to insure that The Painty & Bucket Show will be sure to be more careful about the messages it sends. That's for sure!

The protesters grumble, "Alright," etc. Cut back to the brush and bucket.

INTRO: Live, from the garage, it's The Painty & Bucket Show! And now, America's two favorite inanimate objects who are more careful about the messages they send, Painty & Bucket!!

PAINTY: Hey Bucket!

BUCKET: Yeah, whadda you want, you filth-covered thing?

PAINTY: How are you like my ex-girlfriend?

BUCKET: I don't know, you crappy band of bristles. How am I like your ex-girlfriend?

PAINTY: You both got a big hole in the middle of you!

Lights out. More booing. Cut back to the protesters.

PRO 1: Painty & Bucket are setting immoral examples for our children! They're destroying the minds of the children!

PRO 2: I haven't seen so much sordid filth come out of my TV since I watched the second season of Twin Peaks! The whole season!!

PRO 3: That show has given me lupus in my eyes!

The Network Executive appears again.

EXEC: Everyone, please. I'm happy to tell you that The Painty & Bucket Show writers have been fired. Their antics had grown tired, and now we have hired new writers who we think will be quite inspired. Just watch!

The protesters grumble, "Alright," etc. Cut back to the brush and bucket.

INTRO: Live, from the garage, it's The Painty & Bucket Show! And now, America's two favorite inanimated objects who are now written by more inspired writers, Painty & Bucket!!

BUCKET: Ahh Painty, every day just gets worse and worse. My life is never gonna get any better. I hate myself. I feel trapped, like I got no direction except down, always down. There's no way out, except to kill myself, and I don't even have enough drive and motivation to do that. I've never been so depressed in my entire life.

Long pause.

PAINTY: My ex-girlfriend was a real whore!

Lights out. More booing. Cut back to the protesters.

ALL: (Chanting) We don't want your filthy show! Painty & Bucket have to go!

The Network Executive appears again.

EXEC: Friends, fans, please. Uh... um... here!

The exec throws money at them and runs off. Cut back to the soundstage. The bucket and brush are no longer there.

INTRO: (Solemn) Ladies and gentlemen, The Painty & Bucket Show will not be seen this week, as it is on hiatus. (Ramps up enthusiasm) So instead, live, from the basement, it's The Smokey the Old Smoke Detector Show!

A hand throws a smoke detector onto the stage.

SMOKEY: (Long silence, then speaks with some kind of Eastern European accent) I got ginger snaps! Happy time for fever blister! Supremacy in the traffic circle! Lumpy lumpy lumpy! Hey kids, who's your favorite seamstress?

Lights out. Cut back outside, where there's just one protester. The Network Executive appears.

PRO: What the hell was that??

EXEC: Uh... here.

The exec hands the protester some money and runs off.

PRO: Five bucks??

Cut back to the soundstage, which is empty again.

INTRO: (Solemn) Ladies and gentlemen, The Painty & Bucket Show has been cancelled. (Ramps up enthusiasm) In its place, please enjoy a special celebrity installment of everybody's favorite reality game show, Bear or No Bear!

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