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Dec 16, 2008

So You've Decided to Attack a World Leader

by Joe Mulder

On Sunday, December 14, 2008, a 29-year-old Iraqi reporter, Muntadhar al-Zeidi, threw his shoes at United States President George W. Bush during a press conference in Baghdad, shouting "This is a goodbye kiss, you dog," in Arabic as he did (throwing a shoe is considered to be an ultimate insult in Arab cultures). Al-Zeidi was taken into custody, and among his personal effects security officials found a pamphlet containing the following text, translated from the original Arabic and published exclusively at PoopReading.com for the first time anywhere.

SO YOU'VE DECIDED TO ATTACK A WORLD LEADER

Welcome, brother and/or sister, to the glorious struggle for freedom from the Great Satan for the Glory of Allah. If you are reading this pamphlet then you most likely have decided that you want to attack an infidel world leader in one way or another, Allah be praised. But not so fast – this is not a task to be undertaken lightly by just any Tom, Dick or Mustafa. There are important considerations one must make before endeavoring to attack and humiliate one who personifies all that is evil and unclean, thereby bringing him down to the level of the swine whose droppings he is unfit to have his face shoved into.

Part One: Pick a country. While the enemies of Allah are many, not every potential victim is as ideal as another. Attack the leader of the wrong nation, and before you know it you could find yourself hanging upside-down in a filthy pit, naked and tongue-less, while secret police rape your sister for sport and force you to watch. And while your sister is almost certainly going to be raped for sport at some point, there's no reason it has to be done by infidel foreigners, and there's no reason you need to be there to see it.

So choose carefully. If possible, focus your attention on the leaders of the white, English-speaking world or, failing that, on any of the pale, weak-willed pacifists of Western Europe. Do your research: any country with an America's Cup yachting title or an Olympic hockey medal to its credit will make an ideal target (except Russia. Don't mess with the Russians; those sons of bitches will cut you. Besides, they tend to take a no-questions-asked approach to buying oil from rogue states and dictators. It behooves those who wish to glorify Allah not to piss the Russians off).

Part Two: Who are we kidding? If you're really in it to win it, Allah be praised, then of course you will want to focus on the Great Satan itself, the United States of America. While attacking the leader of the world's richest, most powerful nation may seem counterintuitive at first, going after America and her President has its advantages.

To wit: if you are caught trying to attack or terrorize the United States in any way, your detention will seem like a regular walk in the kasbah compared to anything you might endure elsewhere. For instance, did you know that prisoners of America are actually fed? Fed! Did you know that if American military prison personnel are caught urinating or defecating on inmates, their superiors are all but required to at least pretend to be upset about it? It's true! Can you imagine? It's almost a shame such a place must be destroyed for the everlasting glory of Allah!

Yes, a successful anti-America gesture will bring you instant worldwide fame and fortune with virtually no repercussions. And not only that, but you will have so many scheming Jew lawyers lining up to represent you that you'll have to beat them off with a falafel! Helpful hint: until the glorious day of his ultimate destruction at the hands of a just and vengeful Allah, the scheming Jew can – and should – be used as tool to help fight the interests of democracy and freedom.

And, believe it or not, attacking the leader of the United States will win you countless supporters not only here in the Middle East, but also within the borders of that hedonistic she-bitch America herself! Which leads us to our next tip...

Part Three: Cultivate a persona. Going after the Great Satan should make you a hero to Muslims, revolutionaries, artists and grad school hipster pussies the world over, but it never hurts to bring something else to the table. Express outrage at the atrocities committed by the United States on a regular basis, so that when the time comes and, praise be to Allah, you seize your moment, you'll be perceived as a hero standing up for what he believes in and not an insane loner.

Also, it never hurts to co-opt the iconography of those who have come before you, whether or not they have anything to do with your cause. Consider obtaining, and displaying, a poster or t-shirt bearing the likeness of the Argentine Marxist Che Guevara – this will undoubtedly endear you to American college students, many of whom will one day grow to be scheming Jew lawyers themselves. Che Guevara may seem hacky and played out and entirely unoriginal, but so does the humor of American infidel Adam Sandler, and his pictures continue to do boffo business at home and abroad (just check out the box office returns for his latest movie, Evil Zohan the Scheming Jew).

[editor's note: the final section of the pamphlet appeared to be stuck to the back of another page; it is unlikely that Muntadhar al-Zeidi read, or even knew about, the following...]

Part Four: Know your enemy. It is very important to design an attack that will send the desired message not just to the Arab world, but to the western world as well. If possible, familiarize yourself with the customs and mores of the Great Satan. For instance, everyone knows that to throw your shoe at another man is the greatest insult of all, right?

Not so fast! To an infidel pig American, having a shoe thrown at him is no more of an insult than having any other object of similar bulk and heft hurled in his direction. You see, the streets in your typical American city are generally free of the layers of dirt, sand and camel shit to which we have grown so dearly accustomed and, as a result, the average American shoe – and the foot that resides in it – is almost certainly cleaner that any dinner plate you've ever eaten off of. As such, the Great Satan does not regard the shoe as the ultimate symbol of all things unclean.

Anyone – especially any Arab – who is allowed anywhere near the United States President is bound to be screened and searched thoroughly, so conventional weapons are out of the question. In that case, why not be creative? Why not throw something that will be taken as a grave insult to Americans, something that the Great Satan would be embarrassed to have its leader associated with? Something like, perhaps, a non-compact fluorescent non-energy-saving lightbulb, or a cigarette, or a Barry Bonds rookie card?

Also, if you must shout something while you attack the President, it would be ideal to shout in English so the inhabitants of the Great Satan can understand you. If you can't, then do your best to shout something that, when translated, will sting like the thousand searing pokers that await the scheming Jew in hell. And remember: not all of our insults translate; not even the worst ones! For instance, as difficult as it is to believe, certain segments of American culture actually call each other "dog" as a term of endearment! Can you imagine such depravity, not to mention such an affront to the glory of Allah?

Such a people, who would be called "dog" and would let the man who did it remain in possession of both (or even either!) of his earlobes and lips, clearly deserve to have the eternal wrath of Allah visited upon them. Follow these handy tips, and you might end up successfully delivering a bit of that wrath yourself!

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