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Nov 18, 2008

A Word from Our Sponsors

by Brandon Kruse

You may have noticed that we here at poopreading.com have recently added Google Ads to our website. We hope that these serve as an enhancement to your reading experience, as well as a way for us to continue funding our tireless efforts to bring you the finest bathroom reading material the internet has to offer.

In addition to our partnership with Google Ads, we have also sought out promotional sponsors for the site. This endeavor has not been as successful. Let's be honest; it has been an outright failure. As a fledgling start-up, we realized we were not in a position attract the Targets or Proctor & Gambles of the business world. But the results of our sponsor search were stunningly disappointing, even with our lowered expectations.

Still, as part of the agreement for our sponsor submission process, we are contractually obligated to give each sponsor a one-time promotional appearance on our site. Please do not interpret this as an endorsement of these products by poopreading.com. We're simply trying to avoid costly and time-consuming litigation. Thank you.

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poopreading.com is brought to you by Phil's Chainsaw & Seafood Emporium: "If you can find another place that'll sell you chainsaws AND fresh ocean seafood out of one big warehouse... then by all means tell us, because they may be violating our trademark."

poopreading.com is brought to you by the Brian Dennehy Box Emporium: "If you want boxes covered with photos from the career of famed character actor Brian Dennehy, then we're your first stop! Moving boxes, storage boxes, shoe boxes... we've got 'em all, and they're all covered with pictures of Brian Dennehy! Whether you want shots of his work as the cop Fergie in Foul Play, or a nice photo commemorating his role as Sheriff Will Teasle in First Blood, or a picture montage of his classic portrayal of Police Lieutenant Leo McCarthy in F/X and F/X 2, you'll find them here! Be the envy of your Brian Dennehy loving friends! Move your family in Brian Dennehy style! Don't let the oppor-Dennehy of a lifetime pass you by!"

poopreading.com is brought to you by Spaghetti in a Bag: "When you're on the go, nothing hits the spot and is more convenient than spaghetti and sauce in a plastic sack! When hunger strikes, just reach in and grab a handful of Italian flavor! Spaghetti in a Bag is perfect for walks on the beach, going to the movies, or even during those long board meetings! Also try new Lasagna in a Hat – now in cowboy, boater, derby and sombrero!"

poopreading.com is brought to you by Equine Temporary Services: "If you are in need of a temporary employee, and you don't mind filling that position with a horse, then give us a call! What our horses lack in filing skills and computer knowledge, they more than make up for with an energetic attitude and a lot of kicking! Just imagine the impression your customers and business associates will get when they enter your office and see a horse making copies, sorting the mail, or answering the phones – you can bet they've 'neigh'-ver seen something like that before! And when it comes time for delivering that report to Henderson's office way over on the other end of the floor, just saddle up your new temp and 'Pony Express' that document to your co-worker! So call Equine today and order up a horse temp – now with 10% less crapping on fax machines!"

poopreading.com is brought to you by Ray Driscoll's Enormous Wang: "Hi, I'm Ray Driscoll, and I'm taking out ad space in various publications around the country to let America know about my incredibly large wang. It's huge! And I'd like to share my wang with you... and by you, I mean Ms. Loni Anderson, former star of 'WKRP in Cincinnati.' So once again, I'm looking to share my disconcertingly, almost uncomfortably gigantic wang with you, Loni Anderson. I will also consider Loni Anderson lookalikes, and chicks what gots the big boobies. I will NOT accept ugmos, fatties, femmies, retards, hags, bar hags, fag hags, sea hags, Larry Hagman (please stop calling) and chicks what gots the tiny boobies. Thank you, and God Bless America!"

poopreading.com is brought to you by NASA: "No, not the National Aeronautics and Space Administration – the Nude Automaton Stockbroker Association! Don't worry, it happens all the time. But hey, if you enjoy getting naked and acting like a robot while buying and selling stocks, then give us a call. We're always looking for a second member!"

poopreading.com is brought to you by Gattaca brand mayonnaise: "Now you can enjoy mayonnaise, just like they did in the movie Gattaca! Remember that scene where Ethan Hawke and Uma Thurman put mayonnaise on their sandwiches? Do ya? It was right after the, uh... you know, there was that thing... if you look closely, in the background... ahhh hell, we never saw the damn movie either."

poopreading.com is brought to you by Screaming Phallus Mortuary: "When a loved one has passed, you need to know someone will be there to help take care of everything: funeral arrangements, getting personal affairs in order, and preparing the body for a tasteful and touching final viewing. Here at Screaming Phallus Mortuary, we go out of our way to make sure that your funereal experience is made simple and affordable. You'll feel like you've turned to a trusted old friend. And as long as you don't mind your loved one's burial service being performed by a loudly shrieking man wearing a giant penis costume, then there's only one mortuary you need to consider."

poopreading.com is brought to you by Pete Bowman's Lake of Fire: "I dunno how the hell this damn lake started on fire, but if'n you wanna come look at it, I reckon I'll letcha."

poopreading.com is brought to you by Canker Cola: "The soda that gives you canker sores when you drink it!"

poopreading.com is brought to you by Syd Meskers & the TromBeatles: "Hi, I'm Syd Meskers, and I'm part of the TromBeatles: the all-trombone band that plays only Beatles songs! We're available for concerts, coronations, grand openings, historical celebrations, family reunions, bar and bat mitzvahs, or just about any event where you'd like familiar songs presented in an unfamiliar way. We have a TromSinger, a Lead GuitBonerist, a Rhythm GuitBonerist, a TromBase player and a DrumBoner! We take requests! We don't play songs sung by the Beatles as solo artists, only when they were a group. No "My Sweet Lord"! (Please stop asking, it upsets our DrumBoner) Also, our Rhythm GuitBonerist's wife looks like Yoko Ohno, except taller and more blond! You will be amazed by the TromBeatles, and your guests will not stop talking about how they were TromBlown away! Call us now!"

poopreading.com is brought to you by Ken Spitzer and the Chestertown, Maryland Festival of Shuttlecocks: "I'd just like to remind everyone that the festival is for badminton fans. Seems there was a lot of, uh, confusion last year."

poopreading.com is brought to you by Don Brodka's "Walrus Othello": "Come see Shakespeare's legendary tragedy, as performed by walruses! Well, okay, and one sea lion. She's an understudy. We had problems with our Desdemona. I'd rather not get into it. Also, Act 2 contains a lot more pooping than in Shakespeare's original text."

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